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Joke Of The Day..

#21
i don't skinny dip, i chunky dunk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :rotf:
 
#22
A stockbroker from New York City got tired of all the stories of his office
colleagues who went duck hunting each year. They frequently boasted of their
prowess in the hunt and how many ducks they had bagged. So not to be outdone
this broker decides he's going hunting to show them all up. He buys the most
expensive shotgun available, all his hunting clothes and gear from L. L. Bean,
gets his license and goes hunting.
After an exasperating day of tromping through the marshes and briars without
seeing a single duck, he heads back to his car. On the way back, he sees a duck
fly overhead. He raises his gun and blazes away at it and actually hit it. The
duck fall into a nearby farmyard. As the hunter starts to climb over the fence
to retrieve his kill, he's confronted by a farmer who says, "Where in the hell,
do you think you're going city boy?"
The guy replies, "I'm going to get my duck."
The farmer replies, "My property, my duck."
The guy says, "Oh come on, I've been out here all day and and that's the only
duck I've seen, I shot it, it's my duck!"
The farmer again says, "My property, my duck."
Well, they argued for a few minutes and, finally, the farmer says, "I'll tell
you what, we'll settle this country style."
The guy says, "What's that?"
The farmer says, "Well, I kick you in the balls as hard as I can, and then
you kick me in the balls as hard as you can, and we keep this up and the last
man standing keeps the duck."
The guy not wanting to return home empty-handed reluctantly agrees. The
farmer wearing large heavy work boots haul back and kicks the guy in the balls
with all his might. The guy's eyes roll back in his head, he coughs and wheezes
but barely manages to remain standing. He composes himself somewhat and says to
the farmer, "Okay, now its my turn."
The farmer replies, "You can have the duck."
 
#23
this was too funny, i have a friend that an Army Ranger and we give each other shit all the time.

Have you ever seen a Mexican Navy Seal
 

Attachments

#24
This one...is long:

There was this businessman who was getting ready to
go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a
flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her
something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because
he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone
else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and
started looking around. He thought about a life-sized
sex doll, but that was too close to another man for
him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for
something special to please his wife, and started talking
to the old man behind the counter. He explained his
situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really
know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating
dildos, special attachments, and so on but I don't know
of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except
-- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there
is the 'voodoo dick.' "

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out
an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He
opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal.
It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll
do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick,
the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted
over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole.
The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack
developed down the middle. Before the door could split,
the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and
lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but
he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took
it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo
dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be
fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few
days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of
several people who would willingly satisfy her, but
then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out,
and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot
to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like
nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three
orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to
pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.
She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they
could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car
and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with
every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm
nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled
over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and
then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and
twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking,
but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't
stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said
"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
 
#25
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind'!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

1-- well how the hell did the authorities find out when someone masterbated, is there a special masterbation task force?

2-- im sure when they ask the little boys what thry want to be when they grown up they probably said " a fucker"
 

NatillaLiz

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#26
Subject: WIFE VS. HUSBAND!!!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time". The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.' The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
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#27
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used
to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to
Florida .. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to
look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags
because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it
fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they
don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with
hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in
it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out,
and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat
out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of
the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who
do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment
and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I
earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will
let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

PRICELESS
 

NatillaLiz

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#28
An Old Man

An elderly man in North Carolina had a large pond in the
> back, fixed up with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and
> peach trees.
>
> One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
> as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five
> gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
>
> As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
> laughing with glee.. As he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women
> skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they
> all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
>
> One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming
> out until you leave!'
>
> The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come
> down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond
> naked.'
>
> Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
>
> Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still
> think fast..
 

TearEmUp

Mixologist!
Freestyle.FM Dee Jays
#29
There is a restaurant on the corner here serving a breakfast in honor of the Octo mom. The special is 14 eggs, no sausage and the guy in the next booth gets the bill......
 

NatillaLiz

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#30
There is a restaurant on the corner here serving a breakfast in honor of the Octo mom. The special is 14 eggs, no sausage and the guy in the next booth gets the bill......
:eek: :rotf::rotf::rotf::rotf:

DAMN!!! Now that was a good one!! LOL
 

NatillaLiz

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#32
-> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
> we
> were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No,"
> she
> answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even
look
> at
> me this time, simply saying "Yes."
>
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
> And that's when the fight started....
>
>
************************************************************************
> I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
> It
> warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
> "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I
> suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
>
> And that's when the fight started....
>
>
************************************************************************
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
> grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
> boat
> up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
> torrential downpour.
>
> The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
> turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all
> day. I
> went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.
> I
> cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
> whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
>
> My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
> husband is out fishing in that?'
> And then the fight started ...
>
>
************************************************************************
> A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
> Suddenly,
> at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
> The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the
> man
> 'Holy cow. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed;
> scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the
> ground,
> ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
>
> A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
> screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back,
> 'Yeah,
> then why were you running?'
> And then the fight started.....
>
>
************************************************************************
> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
> $14.95.
> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her
> the
> beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
>
> And then the fight started....
>
>
************************************************************************
> A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I
> feel
> horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me
> a
> compliment.'
>
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's dang near perfect.'
>
> And then the fight started.....
>
>
>
************************************************************************
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
> took my
> order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
> He
> said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for
> herself."
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
>
************************************************************************
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
> and
> I
> kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat
> alone
> at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took
> to
> drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I
> hear
> she
> hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' said my wife, 'who would
> think
> a person could go on celebrating that long?'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
************************************************************************
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
> for
> Social
> Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
> license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
left
> my
> wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
> have to
> go home and come back later.
>
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt
> revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your
> chest
> is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
> application.
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
> the
> Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your
> pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
>
> And then the fight started....
>
>
************************************************************************
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
> someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
> And then the fight started...
>
>
************************************************************************
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
> anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
150
> in
> about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.
>
> And then the fight started....
>
>
************************************************************************
> My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
> channels.
> She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'
>
> And then the fight started...
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

liz75217

BEAUTIFUL DISASTER
#33
LMAO @"Then I'd like to phone a friend."

DANG! "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

AJAJAJA DID SOMEONE SAY SANCHO "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

:rotf::rotf:'Holy cow. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed;
scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the
ground,
ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back,
'Yeah,
then why were you running?'

.........................................

HAD A GOOD LAUGH I NEED IT THANKS :D
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
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#34
The one that had me almost to tears was this one:

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the
Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your
pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
 
#35
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack said to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts terribly.? I guess I had better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replied. "There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars.... heck of a lot
cheaper than a doctor!"

So Jack collected a urine sample in a small jar and took it to the drugstore. When he deposited his ten dollars, the computer lit up and asked for the urine sample. He poured the sample into a funnel and waited. Ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak
your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer printed out the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs rings.
6. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
 

NatillaLiz

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#36
^^^^^^ :eek:
:rotf::rotf::rotf::rotf::rotf::rotf:
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
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#38
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall
saying:
'Hi, how are you?'


I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know
what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,



'Doing' just fine!'


And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say:

'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here. '

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question:
'Can I come over?'


Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely
end the conversation. I say:
'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'


Then I hear the person say, nervously:
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other
stall who keeps answering all my questions!!'
 

powrpuff

Freakalicious Freestyler
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#40
lmfao :rotf::rotf::rotf:

i am barely readin all these for the first time!!!!!


i stoleded some for myspace bulletins..my friends there would love them thanks!
 
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