Joke Of The Day..

[NatillaLiz]

Didn't know if anyone started a forum for Jokes, but aww hell..I'll start one today! LOL

here's the first one! anyone feel free to add one! I need a good laugh at least once a day! LOL

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.


At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own fucking blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

 

[freestylegurl_81]

LMFAOOOOOOOOO that was funny..thanks for sharing

 

[NatillaLiz]

A young man married a beautiful, slightly older woman who was divorced ten times.


On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.'

'What?' said the puzzled groom 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'


“WELL!” Replied the Wife

“Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be but never closed the deal.'
'Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.'
'Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.'
'Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.'
'Husband # 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the art method.'
'Husband # 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.'
'Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.'
'Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.'
'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.'
'Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... OH, how I miss him.'

'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited.'

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?'

'You're with the GOVERNMENT... This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed.'

 

[freestylegurl_81]

Lol

A young man married a beautiful, slightly older woman who was divorced ten times.


On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.'

'What?' said the puzzled groom 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'


“WELL!” Replied the Wife

“Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be but never closed the deal.'
'Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.'
'Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.'
'Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.'
'Husband # 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the art method.'
'Husband # 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.'
'Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.'
'Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.'
'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.'
'Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... OH, how I miss him.'

'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited.'

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?'

'You're with the GOVERNMENT... This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed.'

LMFAO that was good

 

[DaUnknownAdmin]

At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own fucking blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

OMG! The realism is unbelievable, the characters true to life. This brought a tear to my eye. The ending though predictable, did not disappoint! I give it two snaps! :rotf:

 

[NatillaLiz]

A woman comes home and shouts,
'Honey pack your bags!!!! I hit the lottery!!'

He screams! ' OMG what should I pack?!'

She replied, 'Everything! motherfucker! you gotta go!'

 

[NatillaLiz]

Proof That The World's Gone Nuts!

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind'!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little drops of???)
(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez talking about foot fetish)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning.)

 

[onebadmofo]

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?" "Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose." "Wow, what does it look like after sex?" "Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

 

[freestylegurl_81]

Omg lol

 

[onebadmofo]

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

 

[freestylegurl_81]

hahaha

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

LMAOOOOOOOOO ok this is now of of my favortie jokes!!! thanks for that

 

[onebadmofo]

LMAOOOOOOOOO ok this is now of of my favortie jokes!!! thanks for that

It's easy to remember too.

 

[freestylegurl_81]

YES! I laughed for a long time after reading that lol thx for sharing

 

[onebadmofo]

There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?" "Shit flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, "What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in."

 

[onebadmofo]

YES! I laughed for a long time after reading that lol thx for sharing

When I first heard it, so did I.

 

[NatillaLiz]

There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?" "Shit flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, "What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in."

OMG that's just so sad!! :rotf:

 

[NatillaLiz]

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?" "Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose." "Wow, what does it look like after sex?" "Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

That's pretty much the best way to keep your kid from having sex! LOL

Leave them traumatized!!
I ended up spitting my lunch out when I read that! LMAO

 

[NatillaLiz]

A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD.
He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms
folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just
sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker,

''' If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'''

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly
turns his head toward the
young pup and says, '''Nah, you go ahead.'''

Eagerly, the guy wearing the
shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and
starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse
in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up
the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, '''Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'''

 

[NatillaLiz]

You Little Bugger You!

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex ...
Fact: 1 lonely bugger is reading this message...
- You hang in there sunshine!

 

[onebadmofo]

A rich white man in Georgia decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft. man-eating gator in my pool and I will give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking it's ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit like head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-Mart goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay, I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the muthafucka who pushed me in the pool!"